Transforming Joyless Sex

Fear and anxiety reduce sexual pleasure while producing more physical symptoms. These emotions make themselves felt in many physical ways such as pounding heartbeat to muscle tension, panic, excessive sweating, a desire to urinate, awkward arousals and several other symptoms which are specific to individuals.

These symptoms make sex a joyless experience because the person affected may feel numb and tense, less sensation, remain silent during the sex and may even fake orgasm to please their partner.

In order to reduce or simply just kill these fears, we need to kill the stereotypes that men are supposed to be always available and ready for sexual action and be macho and women are supposed to just lie back and enjoy sex and not express their sexual desire lest their man thinks she is loose or vastly experienced.

Now let’s look at the ten most common fears and anxieties that plague our sex life, often ruining them.

1. Fear of letting go

This is the fear of being totally open and vulnerable sex is about letting go and enjoying your body’s sensations. Many people are afraid of what their partners will think of them.

The first stem to enjoying a good and fulfilling sex is letting you and your partner enjoy bodies without holding back.

2. Fear that one might look silly

Many people curtain their enjoyment of orgasm in the interest of their dignity and appearance in front of their partner. Remember there are few bigger turn-offs to a sex partner than making love to someone who appears unresponsive. While the greatest turn-on is a partner who moans, sighs, express delight in all kinds of ways during lovemaking. And its not only women who have this fears, men too are afraid about showing the animal in them.

3. Fear of being undressed

This fear especially inhibits women. The fear that you will look horrible especially that fat tummy, ugly stretch marks, caesarean scars, or those flaccid breasts and these will turn him off.

Some men also exhibit this fear. They commonly fear that they have a poor physique, beer belly, their legs are too thin, or their chests are not hairy.

Lovers rarely scrutinize each other during sexual excitement. So start looking at the attractive part of your body as that is what your partner will be most interested in.

4. Genital Fears

Fears about genitals are very common ‘my vagina is too flabby’, ‘my penis will be too small’, ‘I might not erect’ and this list is endless. Many of these fears have a factual misunderstanding in their roots. Example, a man knowing that his penis size has little to do with satisfying a woman sexually will make him stop worrying about his size but this pure factual knowledge is often not the total answer.

Appreciation of one’s genitals and their functions while accepting them, helps a great deal and one way to achieve these is not being afraid to look and touch them. No matter what you think your genitals are a beautiful part of you.

5. Fear of disappointing your partner

This fear can occur in the early days of a sexual relationship. Remember, not every sexual encounter goes off like a firework display every time. Living as we do in a society in which sex is no really linked to love, many people fear that sexual disappointment will make their partners not consider continue with the relationship. The answer to this fear is to discuss with your partner what he or she most enjoys, through talk, trial and error and this will make both of you explore and grow so that you have no fear of being disappointed.

 6. Performance fear

Discussing your fears together and reassuring each other helps, but more serious performance difficulties may need professional help to sort out, but in the mean time keep away from fears like ‘will I be as good as his/her other lover?’, ‘will I know what to do to turn her on?’

7. Fear about acting our fantasies

Sex isn’t just a medical plumbing job-it is in the mind too. The greatest misconception about fantasies is that they are all suppressed wishes or desires with some being a form of exploration.

The problem in sharing one’s fantasies with a partner is how to decide which one to share and which one to keep to yourself. Be careful, if you declare your fantasy it puts tremendous pressure on your partner to accept it. So take it gently and raise the subject indirectly. Although some couples can discuss these ‘other’ fantasies, not everyone is sufficiently secure to appreciate the difference, so it may be wiser not to mention them.

8. Masturbation fears

Many men usually enjoy masturbation and can be just as happy being relieved in this way as by having intercourse, at least in the short term. Women who masturbate or whose partners masturbate them a lot tend to have high intercourse rates.

9. Fear of what to say

Some couples enjoy using crude language and even the most refined lady when sexually aroused may ask her man to make love to her using unutterable words. This is a great turn-on for most men especially when it gives him a harder erection and enables him to penetrate his partner more deeply and enjoyably. However, the need for talk can be a sign of inhibition, and if not rational, can offend  the other partner who feels the talker is not as immersed in the pleasure as they should be.

10. Fear of the unknown

Sex, like all the best things in life, is an adventure! Jump in with enthusiasm!


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